Got my period this morning. FOUR FRIGGEN DAYS LATE.

I was okay at first - but now I am finding myself kinda sad it didn't happen.

Gotta love hormones!

What a day it's been! Not only am I hosting Thanksgiving tomorrow for 17 - but today I found out some news I didn't want to hear!!

First off...my mom went to the doctor today only to find out she has skin cancer. She isn't sure of her next step yet but should find out next week. I am assuming skin cancer isn't treated like other types of cancer - but I can't help but worry!!!

Secondly...my uncle is having heart issues. He may need open heart surgery. He'll find out tomorrow and will most likely have some sort of surgery on Friday. I THINK they are trying a stint first (is that how you spell that?) but if that doesn't work then he'll need open heart surgery.

And lastly...I am REALLY REALLY missing my grandma this holiday. I didn't think it would hit me as hard as it is - but alas...it is. I wish she was here. I really really miss her. I have cried a lot today because she isn't here.

Heck - I cried a lot because of my mom and uncle too. WAH! I just found out about my mom and uncle around 7 or so tonight so that, mixed in with trying to get everything ready and with a heavy heart because my grandma isn't here is hard! :(

So any rooms for us in your prayers would be deeply appreciated!

So the munchkin has waking up relgiously at 3friggen30 EVERY FRIGGEN DAY since last week.

I am tired. GO BACK TO BED DAMNIT!

I go in - plop the paci in her mouth and then go back to bed. She is whining and/or talking - LOUDLY. RAR. It takes HER about another hour to fall back asleep - it takes me even longer.

Sooooooooooooooo annoyed right now. I am also soooooooooooooo tired. Every day for a week getting up at that time isn't fun and today - I am exhausted and rar.

Today my grandma would have been 86 years old. I am having a rough morning missing her. I am trying SO HARD not to cry - but I keep doing it. The tears seem to just fall out of no where.

I will go visit her grave later and bring her flowers and maybe a balloon.

I just REALLY REALLY miss her today.

I feel really silly for crying and have been keeping the lump in throat (instead of the tears falling) in front of Erik. I am not sure why. I just don't think he truly understands. He is off to a meeting right now so I am able to let the tears fall. He's just never lost someone he was close to. He's NEVER had a grandparent he was close to. In fact...he really didn't like his grandma AT ALL.

I just feel silly crying in front of people - I always have.

I sure miss my grandma a lot today. I am not sure why it's hitting me so hard today - but it is. Maybe because we went to the cemetery yesterday and the headstone had been laid. It made it feel more final. I asked my mom if she was okay and she said yes and as we walked toward the office to discuss adding to my grandma's headstone (a cement border and a vase) I started crying. I just miss her a lot.

I also don't know if it hit me harder yesterday because I wish she could have seen Emily in her costume. I can say I know she did - I know she saw her from heaven...but what if she didn't?? I missed hearing her say "ohhhhhhhh look how cute!" I know she would have said that. I heard that in my head when I put Emily in her costume. I told myself it was my grandma whispering it. But...I can say those things and try and think those things...but what if isn't true? What if when we die we no longer see anything? What if when we die we just die. Everything goes black. Then that's it. What if all this time that I have had some unexplained experiences that it was just my mind wanting to believe those things were true and it really wasn't?

I just miss her. A lot. I just want to see her. I just want to hear her talk. I just want her to see everything Emily does. I just want her to still be here to witness Emily grow up. It makes me sad she isn't. :(

Sorry this is a downer post - I am just sad and needed to journal.

On another note - Erik and I are doing better and Emily isn't fussy like she had been! THANK THE LORD FOR THAT!

I have never really cared for Erik's friends. Sure, I like a few - but some of the other "Napkins" (what I call Napa snobs) I could care less for. In fact, I downright dislike them.

This weekend is Erik's surprise party. 4 of his Napkin friends responded that they will be out of town. One was kinda rude so I deleted it off the evite. Then I see on one of their facebook pages how all of them are going to all be together this weekend in Napa. That is not being out of town. How hard would it be to come to his birthday party? Kinda makes me sad for him. He wants to continue a friendship with these assholes and I dont know why but he does.

It reminds me of when I got pregnant and lost a lot of my friends. That feeling SUCKS. I hope he isn't hurt at his party. I really hope it doesn't bother him that these assholes aren't coming. It's sad that it will be mostly family. Some friends have to work, some are literally out of town but the rest either didn't respond (which is also rude) or lied and said they'd be out of town.

I hope he isn't hurt. I hope he doesn't let it get to him. Erik is a sensitive guy. He won't necessarily come out and say it hurt his feelings - but it will. Most of his napkin friends aren't married and none of them have a child. Life does change. Your friends will change too. I just hope he isn't hurt. :(

It's Wednesday. Haven't heard from Erik yet but I have a feeling the party will have to be canceled! :( I could probably redo it but not until the middle of November. That's when he'll have the next whole weekend off. :(

I am hoping he makes it home before Friday!

On my other blog - someone googled the title to this post and my blog came up!

HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN!

I guess because I had a post about emily gagging on baby food and also talked about her lack of sleep.

Kinda creepy if you ask me though!

I can't fuckin' drink like that! I haven't been able to since my clubbin' days. WTF!!!

That's why I came home and puked about 4 hours later.

I feel okay - thank you prenatals...but I haven't slept one wink yet.

I am gonna be spent by this afternoon.

Boo.

Some of you are on the message board with me that I go to. I REALLY hope this isn't one of you because I will feel like a total bitch if it is! I don't think it would be because I know your screen names and I know how you guys are but I hope you didn't change your screen name to a different one and post this!

At any rate...curious of what you guys think about this post...

How old was your children when you started to (hate using this word) punish them? Normally i would say no a few times and if DS kept doing it, i would smack his hands. Today i took a nap thinking DH would keep an eye on DS. Well DH went downstairs and left DS on his side of the room (we have his side barcaded so he didnt get into our stuff, just temp until his own room is finished) and i wake up to hearing DH starting to yell. I guess i was asleep no longer then 15 minutes when DS crawled ontop of the bed, got onto the floor, grabbed hold of sissy's formula (brand new only just opened it and made one bottle) opened it, got the formula all over hell. it was on the bed, the floor, Sissy's clothes, her bed, even on her and she is only 4 weeks old. It wasnt much on her but still enough to have to strip everything down and wash everything. So i picked him up, put him in his crib, and spanked his butt. Not only did he get into the formula, he grabbed hold of my glass's and broke them, got hold of the digital camera and got it caked in formula and my pop he knocked over. He even got the pop and formula on the bed mixed togeather. I gave him ONE spanking and made him sit there in his crib for 3 hours while i litterally got on hands and knee's to clean everything up. And he didnt even cry he started laughing at me!!!!!!!

DH is starting to tick me off because i'm the only one acting like a parent and he only acts like a "friend". He doesnt wanna wake DS up when he falls asleep in the car and we get home so i'm the horrible parent for waking him up. He doesnt yell at him, nor does he smack his hands when he gets into stuff he's not suppost to. He doesnt do *mean* part of being a parent i'm always doing it. No wonder why DS is daddy's little boy, and not mommy's little boy.

And DH had enough nerve to fall asleep while i'm cleaning everything up and didnt even help me at all. I ended up cleaning up the whole room, and just now got finished with the laundry!!!!! He slept though the vacumning, and everything and now i'm just pissed!!!!!!!!

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I wrote my response on the board but didn't have enough space so I had to cut A LOT of it out. I was just SHOCKED she spanked her 14 month old and then left him in the crib for THREE hours while she was pissed off and cleaning. I was also shocked she sounded upset that her son wasn't crying in the crib but was laughing instead. :|

Just curious of what you guys think about this?