I sure miss my grandma a lot today. I am not sure why it's hitting me so hard today - but it is. Maybe because we went to the cemetery yesterday and the headstone had been laid. It made it feel more final. I asked my mom if she was okay and she said yes and as we walked toward the office to discuss adding to my grandma's headstone (a cement border and a vase) I started crying. I just miss her a lot.

I also don't know if it hit me harder yesterday because I wish she could have seen Emily in her costume. I can say I know she did - I know she saw her from heaven...but what if she didn't?? I missed hearing her say "ohhhhhhhh look how cute!" I know she would have said that. I heard that in my head when I put Emily in her costume. I told myself it was my grandma whispering it. But...I can say those things and try and think those things...but what if isn't true? What if when we die we no longer see anything? What if when we die we just die. Everything goes black. Then that's it. What if all this time that I have had some unexplained experiences that it was just my mind wanting to believe those things were true and it really wasn't?

I just miss her. A lot. I just want to see her. I just want to hear her talk. I just want her to see everything Emily does. I just want her to still be here to witness Emily grow up. It makes me sad she isn't. :(

Sorry this is a downer post - I am just sad and needed to journal.

On another note - Erik and I are doing better and Emily isn't fussy like she had been! THANK THE LORD FOR THAT!